Tasty Little Ficlets
by Majik Beaver
Summary: Mmm...everyone loves a good fic. But what about the people with short attention spans? Well worry no longer! We have a solution! Ficlets! (Rated PG-13 for language)
1. Blue

**A/N:** _Hello there! This is our new fic! I hope you enjoy this as much as we enjoy writing it. We call them "tasty little ficlets", and believe me, tasty they are! Enjoy!  
_

**Ficlet One: Cheeses?**  
  
"Cheddar?" Ron asked.  
  
"Yup," Harry replied.  
  
"Should've known..." Ron shook his head. "Parmesean?"  
  
"Pff...no. What are you thinking?"   
  
"Very nice," Ron made a note on his clipboard.**Ficlet Two: Pretty Rock?**  
  
Harry and Ron were walking across the grounds when they came across a shiny rock.  
  
"Ooo! Prettiful!" Harry exclaimed picking it up.  
  
"I dare you to chuck it at Hermione," Ron said.  
  
"Right-o!" Harry hurled the rock at Hermione's head.  
  
"Damn!" Hermione screamed. "Ow!"**Ficlet Three: Parrots are Amish?**  
  
"Haha! When you said 'Quaker Parrot,' I thought you meant it was Amish," Harry said.  
  
"Yeah, Harry. It wears a little doily on it's head and will only stay in a cage of hand made wicker. And it prefers to be kept in a room lit with candles. It dislikes electricity." Ron snapped in arrogant reply.**A/N:** _How do you like it? Review and let us know! We love you!_


	2. Green

**A/N:** _We've struck again! And this time we didn't even give you enough time to review! Puahaha! :) Loves!  
_  
**Ficlet Four: Ribs?  
**  
"Hey, Harry," Ron asked as they all lay on the floor in the common room.  
  
"Yeah," Harry replied, "What is it?"  
  
"Would you eat the moon if it was made of ribs?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
**Ficlet Five: Bacon?  
**  
"AHHHHH!" Hermione screamed. "It's an albino bacon monster!!!!!" She covered her face with her hands.  
  
"That's just a piece of toast," Ron said as he examined her plate. "Can I have it?"  
  
"Yeah, whatever."  
  
**Ficlet Six: Lava?**  
  
"Hey," Ginny said as she, Harry, and Ron were staring into a Lava Lamp. "What do you think that shit tastes like?"  
  
"Five bucks if you drink it..." Harry said.  
  
"Deal!" Ginny said. She drank it then hurled in the trash can.  
  
"Haha!" she yelled triumphantly. "Pay up loser!"  
  
**A/N:** _Review!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!_


	3. Purple

**A/N:** _Gawd, I love writing these things! And four reviews already?! Wowzers! Hehehe...glad you people like 'em! I'll keep these coming! And the best part about these ficlets...when school starts in 6 days, I can write billions of these in study hall!!! puahahaha!! And no one can stop me!!! PUAHAHAHAHAHA! Now on with the show! {Curtains open}  
_  
**Ficlet Seven: Is it warm in here?**  
  
"Hey," Fred and George said to Penny.   
  
"So you're head girl, huh?" George asked walking around her.  
  
"Yeah...." she replied following him with her eyes.  
  
"You're hot...You're so hot," Fred said.  
  
"What?"   
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Are you warm?" she asked.   
  
**Ficlet Eight: Quidditch? Where?!**  
  
"Hello," a reporter from the Quibbler said to Harry and Ron at the quidditch world cup. "You boys enjoying yourselves?"  
  
"Hell yeah," Ron said.  
  
"We're here for the beer and the bitches," Harry replied.  
  
**Ficlet Nine: KFC is addictive?  
**  
"Have you ever noticed that KFC's chicken has an addictive element to it?" Remus asked. "Like you'll drive by KFC, and you just WANT SOME!"  
  
"I think that's just you, Remus," Sirius said.  
  
**A/N:** _A monkey is stealing my brains, I think.... {author ponders}_


	4. Pink

**A/N:** _Cheese is soooo good! You should all get some! It is my ficlet writing fuel!!!_  
  
**Ficlet Ten: Mad Cow?  
**  
"Ok ok ok ok," Colin Creevy said annoying Draco. Colin was made the head reporter for the new school Newsletter and he wanted to get interviews with all the Prefects. "Question: would you rather be Head Boy....or get Mad Cow Disease?"  
  
Draco looked at him like he was retarded. "Obviously I would want to be Head Boy."  
  
"Oh good! I thought you might choose mad cow!" Colin was relieved.  
  
**Ficlet Eleven: Butterflies?  
**  
Ginny and Harry started going out. They sat together in the common room holding hands and staring into each other's eyes.   
  
"Ginny," Harry said timidly.  
  
"Yes, Harry?"   
  
"It feels like there's a whole bunch of butterflies flapping around in my stomach. Is that normal?"  
  
"Somtimes. Yeah," she replied.  
  
"Oh good, I was concerned."  
  
"Am I your first girlfriend?"  
  
"Pff...No," Harry looked around with shifty eyes.  
  
"Loser."  
  
**Ficlet Twelve: Star Wars? I don't think so.  
**  
Harry froze. "I sense a great disturbance in the force," he said. Suddenly, Draco walked into the room.   
  
Ron looked at Harry. "You have to teach me how you do that."  
  
**A/N:** _How much is that doggie in the window? Woof Woof!_


	5. Yellow

**A/N:** _More little fic-ies! And I would just like to clarify that I do not own these characters or some of the things they say. I quote things. And thought I cannot remember for the life of me where the quotes came from...just know that some of them came from other places. Just thought I would clarify. Yup. That's it. Oh and one more thing. I would like to personally thank one reviewer named Mystic-Angel 5....she has been a faithful reviewer since day one. Not only on this fic but on our other fic as well. So therefore...she gets a cameo!! Thanks again, ever faithful reviewer Jaimy!_

**Ficlet That Isn't Numbered: Cameo?**

"Hey....that Mystic-Angel 5 chick is Canadian," Ron said to Harry as they looked over their reviews during their break. Harry sipped from his martini and looked over at Ron.  
  
"Canadian? That's totally cool..." The makeup lady came over and began beating Harry in the face with a powder puff.

"Did you say bacon?" Neville asked looking up from his newspaper.

"No, Neville. It's not bacon....it's Beggin Strips brand." Ron looked at Harry with wide eyes. "Longbottoms don't know it's not bacon!"

_Now to more fic-ies!!!!!_  
  
**Ficlet Thirteen: Drugs?  
**  
Ron and Harry were sitting on the quidditch pitch when Ron pulled out some weed and rolled himself a doobie.  
  
"Hey, man," he said to Harry. "Want a hit?"  
  
"No man...quidditch is my anti-drug." Harry looked proud of himself for turning down the drugs. He pulled out his flask and took a swig.  
  
**Ficlet Fourteen: Cramp?**  
  
After sitting for three hours in potions, Harry stood up as the bell rang.  
  
"Oh, leg cramp!" he cried.  
  
Then he fell down. "Damned double potions," he shook his fist at Snape.  
  
**Ficlet Fifteen: Puppies?**  
  
"Ron?" Harry asked, in the dark of the dormitory while everyone was asleep.  
  
"What?" Ron replied, half asleep.  
  
"If I was a puppy, what would you name me?" Harry asked.  
  
"Princess Sophia."  
  
**A/N:** _You know you love the ficlets. Love it! Learn it! Live it! ....I am amazed at the response that we have already got for these ficlets!! I love all of you reviewers very very much!!! I would love to personally thank all of you for your kind reviews but....I'm afraid that I am a lazy bum bum....yes, it's true. So just know that I think very highly of all of you and I do take the time to read every review. And to answer one reviewer's question, I name the chapters after colors because since the story has no plot, there is no need for proper chapter names. And the colors amuse me. But sadly my brain is about the size of a pecan and my extensive knowledge of colors spans to about 7. So eventually I'll have to name the chapters something else. Any ideas? Loves! Muah!_


	6. Red

**A/N:** _{Winky the House Elf}_

Hey there!! Face here!! Not really...but don't you miss good ol' Nick Jr.? Maybe I'm the only one. Yeah. Guess what! Out of all of the reviews we've received for both fics, we got our first flame on our ficlets. I don't get it though. You people know that I love constructive criticism, right? Well you do now, anyways. But this flame was just all "You suck!" and I was like "why?" but it didn't say why we sucked...just that we sucked. So I can understand if people don't like the fic. But please, when you flame, tell us why you hate it so we can fix it. We'll make it better for you we swear!! Loves!

__  
**Ficlet Sixteen: Lifesavers?**  
  
"Harry!" Ginny screamed running into his dorm.  
  
"Hey!" he said covering himself even though he was fully clothed. "What is it?"  
  
"Can I borrow your owl really quick?"  
  
"Yeah sure...whatever," he replied quickly.  
  
"Yay! You're my lifesaver!" she engulfed him in a huge hug. Then she pushed him to arm length to look at him. "Only...you're not fruit punch flavored. Are you?"  
  
"Only on Wednesdays."  
  
**Ficlet Seventeen: Klingon?  
**  
"Harry, what time is it?" Neville asked.  
  
"Sorry...I don't speak Klingon," Harry replied, momentarily looking up from his book.  
  
**Ficlet Eighteen: Puppies Part-Two?**  
  
"Ron?" Harry asked one night in the dormitory, while everyone was asleep.  
  
"What now, Harry?" Ron replied grumpily, and half asleep.  
  
"If I was a puppy, would you keep me?" Harry said, in a small voice.  
  
"I told you I don't like cauliflower!!" Ron answered back, rolling over onto his other side.  
  
**A/N:** _{Ale the World Famous Auror}_

_To Our Flamer: Go watch Bambi. If you have nothing nice (or constructive at least) to say, then don't say anything at all. And to all our other reviewers....I LOVE YOU! Reading reviews makes me sooooo happy.....knowing that our pathetic attempts at some form of literature made someone laugh just makes me feel really really happy. Almost like I'm Santa Claus....only not._


	7. Brown

**A/N:** _Where is fancy bread? In the heart or in the head? _

**Ficlet Nineteen: Cats? The Musical?? Nope...**  
  
"Hello Lover," Seamus said.  
  
"Dammit, Seamus! I told you! Not in front of the cats!" Harry screamed, pointing at Crookshanks.  
  
"I was talking to Crookshanks..."  
  
"Oh, my bad," Harry said and continued swiffering the common room.  
  
**Ficlet Twenty: Liquor?**  
  
"Brad Pitt's Underwear!!!" Dean yelled in his sleep. "I swear I didn't steal them!" He rolled over still completely asleep.  
  
Everyone else, now fully awake, looked at him. "I need some liquor, now," Seamus said. "Cause that has got to be the most disturbing thing I have ever heard." Everyone agreed.  
  
**Ficlet Twenty-One: Neither?!?**  
  
"Ok, Draco," Colin said trying to console his angry interviewee (A/N: is that a word?). "This is the last question I promise!"  
  
"Hurry it up, weirdo!" Draco said tapping his foot impatiently.  
  
"Ok...Boxers? Or briefs?"  
  
"I am NOT answering that!" Draco threw his hands up in the air and walked off.  
  
"Hmm...neither....interesting," Colin nodded and made a note on his clipboard.  
  
**A/N:** _Dude!!! We got 19 reviews already! That may not seem like a lot to you people who have like 800 reviews! But to me...it's like "Hot Damn!"...WHOOO! So therefore I decided to update. And if you love me in the slightest...you will review on every chapter and refer this wonderful fic to everone you know. Start a forwarded message. Get the word out. Our success and updating diligence depends on you! {points at you} But....19 reviews! yay!_

_Majik Beaver: Reviewers? Have you been reading my diary? Cause this has been a dream of mine for quite some time._

_Reviewers: No Majik Beaver. We just want to make you {points at Majik Beaver} happy._

_Majik Beaver: Well {tear runs down cheek}...you've succeeded._

_Love you all so much! Thanks bunches! We'll keep up the reviews! You know just how to make me happy!!! And beware of the mist! If you don't know what I'm talking about...you will when it GETS YOU!!! _


	8. Black

**A/N: **_Hello readers. I must apologize ahead of time. This rough as hell first week of school has totally screwed me up. My ficlets will suffer. I know it. So if they suck....flame me....tell me why they suck. I'll try to fix it. Yell at my muse. I'm afraid the muse has been kidnapped by my AP biology class though. So blame school! We must all work together to defeat the enemy that is homework! One day we will overcome! All students are friends!! All teachers are enemies!! And teacher's pets....BURN THEM!!! Spying whores! (No offense to you guys if you're a teacher's pet...you're safe...cause you don't go to my school...or do you? puahahahahahaha!)_  
  
**Ficlet Twenty-Two: Safety?**  
  
Ron entered the common room.  
  
"Hey Harry, you wanna play a game of che-"  
  
"I'm not supposed to talk to strangers," Harry cut Ron off.  
  
"But I'm not a strang-"  
  
"Just say NO!" Harry cut Ron off again.  
  
"Harry, what are you do-?"  
  
"Click it or ticket, bud."  
  
"What the bloody he-"  
  
"If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will?"  
  
**Ficlet Twenty-Three: Wizards Have Waterparks?  
**  
"So..." Hermione said getting all school crazy and gathering Harry and Ron for a meeting. "What are your plans for after Hogwarts? There is a very nice wizarding college opening in Liverpool, you know? It never hurts to get a little more school in so you can broaden your options."  
  
"I don't need college for what I want to do," Ron said simply. "I want to be the person that stands at the top of the waterslide at Wizard's Wet and Wild and tells the kids when to go. Go!" he screamed gesturing to an invisible child. "Go! Go!"  
  
"That's an important job if you think about it," Harry said noticing Hermione's shocked look. "Without him, there could be like a 5 kid pile-up in the tube on the way down."  
  
**Ficlet Twenty-Four: Puppy part 3?  
**  
"Hey, Harry?" Ron rolled back over and asked into the darkness of the dorm.  
  
"Yeah...what is it, Ron?" Harry said still contemplating cauliflower.  
  
"Just out of curiosity...if I was a puppy....what would YOU name ME?"  
  
"Hmm...Diego Von Spottedbottom."  
  
**A/N:** _Ok...so was it really bad? I'm really sorry if it was. I'll work on it. I need some caffiene infused inspiration. So you can blame my school for my lack of ideas. They freaking decided to take away all of our junk food and caffiene. They'll even take it if they catch you with some you bring from home. So yeah, if my fic blows today, and you want to read a good Draco/Hermione fic, you should read "Crazy Dips and Pop Rocks" by my friend tbschicka. I'm not just saying it's good cause she's my friend either....good fic. Check it out. _


	9. Puce

_**A/N:** Hey everyone! I hope this lives up to its predecessors. School is hard. As if you guys didn't know that already. Well read up and enjoy. And in case I haven't said this before...Harry Potter and friends are not mine nor are some of the things they say....that is all._  
  
**Ficlet Twenty-Five: Sandwiches?  
**  
Ron bumped into someone in the hallway. "Oh, I'm sorry," he helped her to her feet.  
  
"It's no problem," she said. "I don't think I know you. I'm Lindsay. Who are you?"  
  
"Oh, I'm Ron Weasley," he said reaching out to shake her hand. "It's nice to meet y-"  
  
"Whatever...make me a sandwich, bitch!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
**Ficlet Twenty-Six: Breathing?  
**  
"Quit jeering me, Hermione," Ron whined. "I'm really smart, ya know? You just don't give me a chance."  
  
Hermione stared at him as he looked over a piece of parchment. "Hey Harry," he said holding it out for Harry to see. "What's this word?" He pointed to said word on the parchment.  
  
"Uhhh..." Harry replied, "that's your last name...."  
  
"Oh!"  
  
"Ohmigod!" Hermione screamed. "You are so ignorant! Quit wasting air!"  
  
Ron looked at her like she was crazy. "WHY THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU STILL BREATHING?!?! Hold your breath! When you run out of air, give me a sickle and I'll let you exhale!!"  
  
**Ficlet Twenty-Seven: Anomaly? WTF?**  
  
Harry sat straight up in bed screaming. "I just dreamed that I was a wizard!" He rolled over and saw Ron staring at him from his bed. "So it's true!!"  
  
"No, Harry," Ron replied.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You are the edipution of an anomaly."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"For serious?" Harry asked rubbing his eyes.  
  
"Naw...I'm just screwing with you. But go back to sleep. You woke me up you dumbass." Ron rolled back over and went to sleep.  
  
_**A/N:** Dudes! I am so sleepy! School should die! And so should Health class. But I can't hate on Health too much...cause that's where I do my writing. Oh well. Loves!_


	10. Olive

_**A/N:** I submit these ficlets, to the midnight society..._  
  
**Ficlet Twenty-Eight: Sponsers?**  
  
Harry and Ron were pissed (meaning drunk) after breaking into Fred and George's "secret" liquor cabinet. Ron was pissed (meaning angry) at Harry.  
  
"Whatever, Harry. I don't need to talk to you anyways. I can talk to my sponser." Ron turned away from facing Harry so that he was looking at the large white rabbit beside him.  
  
"Drink!" it said. "Drink! Or I'll die!" Ron chugged some fire whiskey and passed out. Harry watched him fall off his chair.  
  
"Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?" he queried.  
  
**Ficlet Twenty-Nine: Gum?**  
  
"Hey, Ron. You want a stick of gum?" Fred asked, holding a pack out for Ron.  
  
"Sure," he reached out and grabbed one and stuck it in his mouth.  
  
"Haha! That's trick gum! Now you're addicted to heroine!" Fred said laughing.  
  
"Hahaha," Ron laughed. "Hahahah-I'm so cold." He shivvered.  
(A/N: in case someone freaks out, that is from Family Guy...it was soooo funny. So I rephrased it for all you people to enjoy. Loves!)  
  
**Ficlet Thirty: Games?**  
  
All of the kids were bored and decided to go to the grocery store in Hogsmeade to get some food.  
  
"Hey, Harry!" Ginny said excitedly. "This new muggle grocery store they randomly built in Hogsmeade for witches and wizards to use is great! They have games! There is one up front that I win everytime. I put in a quarter and I turned the knob and won a handful of these colorful candy things!" She popped one in her mouth and walked off.  
  
Harry shook his head and continued sticking every kind of cereal known to man in his shopping cart.  
  
"Dude! Harry! There's even games in the bathroom!" Ron yelled. "Look! I won a balloon!" Ron held out a condom. Harry screamed and covered his eyes.  
  
_**A/N:** Yeah....So.....was it bad? Did my use of Family Guy quotes bother you? Like it? Love it? Hate it? Didn't really pay attention to it? Let me know. I love all reviews. Even flames if it comes to it. Cause I have 38 now! And you know what that means?! It means you all get a complimentary imaginary fruit basket! Love ya! {wink}_


	11. Orange

_**A/N:** Mr. Hankey the christmas poo....he loves me...I love you....{trails off}  
_  
**Ficlet Thirty-One: Forts?**  
  
Harry and Ron were sitting in a fort they had built in the common room. "And then I saw the bludger coming straight at my head!" Harry said as he continued dramatically telling his story. "And I went 'Ahhhh!' and I soiled myself..."  
  
Ron looked strangely at Harry for a moment. "Well I don't blame you. I probably would have done the same had I seen that."  
  
"I don't mean then! I mean just now! When I said 'Ahhh!'. Excuse me.." Harry crawled out of the fort and ran quickly to the bathroom.  
  
**Ficlet Thirty-Two: Glasses?**  
  
"Hey, Harry," Ron said. "You're glasses make your eyes look all big and sparkly. It's fun looking at them." Ron leaned in to get a closer look. Harry kneed Ron in the balls. Ron cried.  
  
**Ficlet Thirty-Three: Poem?**  
  
McGonnagal assigned a project to write a poem for homework. Each student had to stand in turn and read their poem. It was Ron's turn. He stood.  
  
"My poem is called "McWizard Burger"...ahem:  
  
I have eaten the cheeseburger.  
I have crushed the fries with my teeth.  
I have bought fries for Hermione  
who also chewed them.  
They asked if I wanted apple pie.  
I said no.  
  
The end."  
  
McGonnagal rose clapping. "Magnificent Job, Ron Weasley! Absolutely Fantastic! A Modern Marvel says Rolling Stones magazine!" She wiped a stray tear from her eye.  
  
_**A/N:** When a ficlet comes along, you must whip it! Whacchhhhhh! Whip it good! Mmhhmmm....{snap snap snap} girl! Whateva! Whateva! Keep the reviews coming, you genius critics!_


	12. Magenta

_**A/N:** {is in a weird remembering mood} {singing random songs} Don't waste your time on me you're already a voice inside my head...I miss you!................{song change} There is always something there to remind me................{song change} I'd do anything, just to hold you in my arms. Try to make you laugh, cause somehow I can't put you in the past. I'd do anything! Just to fall asleep with you! You were meant for me...cause I know, I won't forget you!_

_Now that I've sung songs about remembering...it's Ficlet Time! Yay!_

**Ficlet Thirty-Four: Pop Rocks?**

"I hate pop rocks," Harry said nonchalantly as he watched Ron stuff his face with the candies.

"But..." Ron countered through a mouthful of pop rocks, "I like pop rocks..."

"Yeah," Harry said, "so did I. But you remember that little guy, Timmy, on the Life cereal commercials? I heard that he ate some pop rocks....then he drank some coke...and his head EXPLODED!!!" He made an exploding motion with his hands.

Ron paused for a moment. "GAWD, I HATE TIMMY!"

**Ficlet Thirty-Five: What the...?**

"Hey Seamus!" Neville ran to catch up with the boy in the hall way. "Hey...I just wanted to...." he wheezed for a moment. "Give me just a sec..." Seamus started to grow impatient as he waited for his slighty chubby friend to recover. "Ok....I'm better. Is there a quidditch game this afternoon?"

"Yes. There is," Seamus replied nonchalantly. "I am so full of anitcipation that my genitals have sucked up into my body cavity."

"WHAT?!?!?!" Neville turned 5 shades of red.

"Huh?"

**Ficlet Thirty-Six: Shell?**

Fred and George were sitting on the front lawn of Hogwarts playing patticake when Fred noticed a snail passed by.

"I too am like the snail," he said to his brother. "I build a protective shell about myself. But instead of a protein based material, mine is made of aluminum foil, paper bags, and duct tape."

_**A/N:** These ficlets ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.....hope you like them anyhow....but could you review anyways...and make me feel semi-special....I'll love you forever...and give you an invisible raffle ticket! But I need to ask you guys something. I wrote a ficlet. It's a lot longer than these are and would be a chapter by itself. I wrote it in Health class this week and got my friend Amanda (tbschicka) to read it and she said "Love it! Post it!" So I just wanted to see if you guys would like to read it. Tell me so in your reviews. I have another long one too. So if you want both longer ones, let me know. Love ya! Party on!_


	13. White

_**A/N:** "I spend three hundred and sixty four days a year suppressing the demons inside me...but on Halloween, I invite them to dance..."_

**Ficlet Thirty-Seven: I Don't Know?**

"Hey, Sirius...what time is it?" Remus asked.

"Umm..." Sirius inspected his invisible watch. "I don't know."

"You don't know, eh? Well that and a sickle will get you a hot cup of JACK SQUAT!!!"

Sirius cried.

**Ficlet Thirty-Eight: Christmas?**

"I love Christmas!" Ron shouted in his joy as he ran to the Christmas tree and started shaking his packages.

"It's all about presents to you, Ron, isn't it? You wake up that morning and run down to the tree at light speed.." Fred said, "...You grab the biggest present you can find, rip the paper off, stuff your hand inside and pull out a dream come true!"

"Well," George put in, "in the real world, when you hang up a stocking, the next morning, you find it filled to the brim....WITH JACK SQUAT!!!"

Ron cried.

**Ficlet Thirty-Nine: Van?**

Blaise Zambini sat studying for a potions exam. Draco threw paperclips at Blaise's head.

"Ohmigod!" Blaise shouted. "Would you stop?!"

"No..."

"Well...let me tell you a story. Once there was a boy who liked to throw things. First he threw paper clips, then he threw the big quidditch match, then he threw back a shot of whiskey, then he threw up, then Professor Snape threw him out of school, then he moved into a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!"

"Is there a plot to this story?" Draco asked trying not to cry.

_**A/N:** All of these were based on Matt Foley skits from SNL....haha...that means I have watched it too much today. My next chapter will be just long ficlets....and there will only be two...but these little ficlets should hold you over till I get a chance to type up the long ones. I love you all!_


	14. Gold

_**A/N:** "Open your mouth and shut your eyes and I will give you a big surprise" hahahahahahaha_

**Ficlet Forty: Long Ficlet?**

Harry met Voldemort face to face for the first time. He and Ron had been captured and were now chained to the wall across the room from where Voldemort sat writing on a piece of parchment. He was summoned out of the room.

"Well," Ron said trying to break the tension. "He is quite a strange man..."

"Yes...he's a little eccentric..." Harry said "...but he's the freaking Dark Lord. That's expected."

"I mean...." Ron said as Voldemort stood in the doorway eavesdropping on their conversation. "...the cape, the accent....he's obviously a fruit! He's gay!"

Voldemort was aghast.

"Well...I can see what you mean. There's no Mrs. Dark Lord around...." Harry said. Voldemort decided to break the conversation up.

"Since we are destined to become friends....perhaps you should get to know more about me..." he said, "I think you may have gotten the wrong impression of-" he was cut off when a servant entered.

"I have prepared the gruel for the prisoners, master," he said bowing.

"Yes. Thank you," he turned to Harry and Ron. "Allow me to introduce Jeeves."

"Hello, Jeeves," Harry said. "Do you live in the castle as well?"

"Yes," Jeeves responded. "For over 20 years. The master has been very good to me. He takes me when he travels and cuts my hair and buys my clothes and-"

"ENOUGH JEEVES!" Voldie said pushing him out the door with his foot.

Voldie returned to his desk across the room.

"Soooo," Ron said, "how long have you and Jeeves been together?"

"I'm not sure what you mean by that..." Voldie grew very tense.

"You know..." Harry said, "...how long have you two been companions?"

"Just what are you implying?" Voldie asked spinning his chair to look at them. "That Jeeves and I are lovers? First of all he is my servant, secondly we are not gay. I mean...I know I am a man of many secrets. But humping a mental defective is not one of them."

"Hey, Tom!" Harry said. "Don't take it personally! I meant nothing by it..."

"You don't believe me, do you?!" Voldie asked. "I am the freaking Dark Lord! I am not gay! I kill people for sport!"

"Hey...it's cool," Ron said. "Your sexual preference is your business. We don't judge."

"You still don't believe me!!!" Voldie rose and cleared the space between them in three strides. He pulled out some keys and unchained them. "I will not stand for this! Out of my castle! NOW!!!" He pushed Ron out the door with his foot. Harry scurried after and Voldie slammed the door behind them.

"Hey...." Harry said, "we're free.....SWEET!" They high fived but missed.

"Where'd my bread crumb trail go?" Ron queried.

**Ficlet Forty-One: N.E.W.T.S.?**

Ron and Harry were having a staring contest. Hermione sat at a table with all her notes sprawled out in front of her.

"Harry, what's the pronunciation for the Telastious spell?" Hermione asked highlighting things with her wand. When he didn't answer, she looked up to see them staring at each other.

"Ohmigod! You don't care about your N.E.W.T.S. at all! I'm going to library!" She gathered up her books and made her way across the common room. When she got to the portrait hole she turned on her heel to face them.

"If you stare at each other like that for too long, then you'll probably start making out." She walked out.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!" Harry turned to look at her leaving.

"Hahaha! I win!" Ron threw his hands in the air in victory.

Hermione made her way to the library mumbling under her breath. Something to the extent of "soo much ignorance....suffocating....need oxygen." She pushed open the library door to find Draco lying across the table on his side with his head resting on his hand.

"Hey baby! Give me some sugar!" He closed his eyes. She swung her bag around and hit him in the balls.

"Ow!" He screamed. "Muthaf!" He fell off the table clutching his crotch in pain. "I'll take that as a maybe.." She stomped off to another table.

"Oh yeah.....she wants me..."

Draco then cried.

**Ficlet Forty-Two: Pale?**

Hermione and Ron were sitting in the common room. "Whoa!" Ron exclaimed. "I have some PALE feet!"

"Ummm...tan them?" Hermione replied.

_**A/N:** Yay! Long ficlets! Did you like them? I won't do those very often....cause they are very hard to write. I hope you enjoyed them. I love you all soooo much! And I have written 2 of the next 3 ficlets. So I will post them in the next two or three days. LOVE YOU!!!!! Muah! :)_


	15. Silver

_**A/N:** Ficlets....they're what the French call a certain...I don't know what... :) Hey...I've gotten a request from someone that they wanted to use some of my quotes and stuff. A lot of them are from tv shows and stuff, but please....if you use them put {written by Majik Beaver...read her fics} beside it. I do not mind as long as you don't claim them as your own. I still love you all lots. And no...siting my quotes once does not count.....I want you to do it beside each quote so it will drill into the minds of these people to read my ficlets. Ok? Sound good? thanks...LOVE YOU ALL!_

**Ficlet Forty-Three: Susu?**

"Hey, Remus," Sirius said putting his arm around his friend's shoulders. "Friends are like susu in pants which everyone can see but only you can feel the warmth. Thanks for being susu in my pants."

"Gee..." Remus said. "Your welcome? That's cute.....in an awkward way...."

**Ficlet Forty-Four: Cheeto?**

Hermione and Ron dated for a whole 3 hours before they had a nasty break up. "It's all good, Hermione..." Harry said patting his friend on the back. "He is too tall and skinny and has funny red hair. And he probably smells like oversized cheeto."

Hermione turned to look at him. "What have you been smoking?"

_{A/N: I LOVE MY KAYLALA!!!!}_

**Ficlet Forty-Five:?**

Fred and George were in Transfiguration goofing off.

"Today," McGonnagal said, "we will be changing these troll dolls into koala bears." She held up a little yellow haired troll for everyone to see.

"Repeat after me. Seblarnum Snaplemostre _(A/N: I have no idea where that came from...)_..." When she said the words the troll doll went up in flames and there sat a little koala bear.

"Dude!" Fred shoued. "I shall use this knowledge to create many new koala bears!"

"Yes!" George shouted also. "We shall send them to America where they may once again roam the plains in great herds as they did before the white man came!"

_**A/N:** Yeah...I had a shortage of ideas for ficlets. I had to watch much late night tv and write down weird things my friends said for like a week. Then I had some ideas. Hope you liked it...ADIOS! I LOVE YOU ALL! MUAH!_


	16. Teal

_**A/N: **I'm at home sick today. And I have like nothing to do. So I wrote some ficlets. And they are all based on quotes. Yeah. It's cool though. I was wondering though. I was thinking about writing a fic that is a spoof off of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Would you guys read it? Let me know. Cause I am sooo bored right now._

**Ficlet Forty-Six: Flirting?**

"Hi there, Neville," Ginny said leaning against the doorframe. "Whatcha doing?" She walked closer to him.

"Ummm, nothing. Not doing nothing. Do you like trees? Trees are pretty..." Neville was sweaty.

**Ficlet Forty-Seven: Baseball?**

Harry and Ron were playing a game of Wizard's Chess. "So," Ron said casually. "Do you think the Red Sox are going to go all the way this year?"

Harry looked up at his friend. "I don't even know you anymore...."

**Ficlet Forty-Eight: Rap?**

Harry just found some really good dirt on his little buddy Colin. Colin had never kissed a girl. "You've never kissed a girl?!" Harry asked laughing.

"Man, shhhh! The dudes don't need to know that!" Ron was making his way to Potions. "Whaddup, playa?!" Colin shouted. Ron looked at him really weird and kept walking.

"But you like Stacy, right?" Harry asked. "Well, what's something about you that you could do to show her how cool you are?"

"I could rap. I could write her a rap and then lay it on her!"

"No," Harry said spinning Colin to look him in the eye. "Under no circumstances should you bust a rhyme."

_**A/N:** I just watched that new show "Father Of The Pride" on NBC. Ohmigod it was so funny. So I made some of the quotes into cool little ickle ficlets for you guys to enjoy. :)_


	17. Beige

_**A/N:** Ok everyone. I've started the preparations for a Willie Wonka spoof. This will be completely by me. Without the help of my co-author....so it might not be as funny. But come to think of it, I've wrote the majority of the ficlets by myself....so it's cool. Cause you guys like the ficlets...I think. :) So yeah...it'll be cool. It might be a while before I can get enough to post so yeah. I love you all lots. And tell everyone you can about my ficlets and I will give you all beanie babies.....well...it was the thought that counted...not the beanie babies. But yeah...I still love you!_

**Ficlet Forty-Nine: Words?**

"Ohmigod, Hermione!" Lavender watched her dig through all of her books that she had piled in front of her. "You are such a dweeb."

"Sticks and stones..." Hermione replied. "they may break my bones....or at least cause hairline fractures. But words...in being only sounds waves, they lack the mass and velocity needed to cause any physical damage to my person."

"Wow....you are so weird."

**Ficlet Fifty: Walkie-Talkies?**

Hermione and Ron found some cool Walkie-Talkie dealies. "Breaker Breaker!" Hermione said into the Walkie-Talkie. "Where are you?"

"Well..." Ron said, "I was about to get into the shower... So I uhh....I'm standing in the bathroom naked."

"Cool!" Hermione said rolling over on her bed to look out the window.

"What about you?"

"Well I'm lying here on my bed....fully clothed."

"I wish you were more naked....that would turn me on."

"Hold on..."

Ron stood there listening to the pause. "Ok," she said, "I unbuttoned my pants."

"Sweet!"

_{**A/N:** I love you Kaylala! You're quotes make me giggle! And yes....my pants are still unbuttoned! :)}_

**Ficlet Fifty-One: Oat?**

Draco sat at breakfast with Goyle. He stare deeply into his oatmeal.

"What could possibly be so interesting about that?" Draco asked.

"You rarely ever see one oat all by itself.." Goyle replied.

"This is true," Draco said. He then ate a banana.

_**A/N:** Me First and the Gimme Gimme's rock. Go buy their cd right now and listen to them. Cause they are cool. And they are like my number 3 favorite band. My favorite is Queen. Yah. Ok. I'm out._


	18. Tie Dye

_**A/N:** "Regarding the boy scouts: I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook."...Hi....It's me again. Oh! Someone asked me what susu means. Susu equals poop. Yeah. Gross...but hey. It's Sirius! Haha. Yes...it's an inside joke between me and my friend, big H to the izzannah! Hahaha...FICLET TIME!! YAY!!!_

**Ficlet Fifty-Two: Clytaras?**

"Ok, you worthless turds," Snape drawled in class. "You need to add 3 slivers of clytaras into your potion."

"Where do you find the clitoris?" Neville asked, timidly raising his hand.

"What...did you just say?" Snape asked narrowing his eyes.

"The clitoris, sir. Where is it? Is it in the cupboard? With the other ingredients? I don't see it," Neville said, his voice cracking.

"Hahahaha," Ron laughed. "Neville said clitoris!"

"NO!" Snape yelled. "HE DID NOT! HE DIDN'T SAY CLITORIS!"

"Hahahaha," Ron laughed again. "Snape said clitoris!"

"NO, WEASLEY!!!!" Snape was infuriated. "IT'S CLYTARAS!!!! CLY-TEAR-ASS!!!! PRONOUNCE IT CORRECTLY, SWINE!!!!!"

"Hahahaha," Ron laughed yet again. "Snape said ass!"

Snape grabbed his hair in his frustration and accidentally pulled out a whole handful. He looked at it strangely. Then he threw it at Ron. Ron was grossed out by it's greasiness. Neville was crying like a little school girl in the corner cause he said a dirty word.

**Ficlet Fifty-Three: Purple?**

"YES!!!" Hermione jumped up and did a dance after reading the note brought to her by Fawkes. "I have the best grades of our year, yet again!"

"Well...." Dean said looking for some accomplishment to share. "I can count to G!"

"That's nothing," Ron said. "I can count to purple backwards."

**Ficlet Fifty-Four: Mental?**

"Hermione?" Harry asked. "Can you help me with this potions assignment?"

"Oh, sure, Harry. I'd be more than happy to help you." She walked over and sat beside him to look over his paper.

"More than happy?" Ron asked looking up from his book. "How can you be more than happy? To me, that sounds like a dangerous mental condition."

_**A/N:** Ok...yes...these aren't my best. But I need some good quotes so I'm going to look for some to use and I will update when I think of some good ones. Ok? Sound good? Good. Love ya!_


	19. Peach

_**A/N:** "The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life." _

**Ficlet Fifty-Five: Swear Jar?**

"Well, Neville," Hermione said pointing to the hieroglyphics in his book, "it's really quite simple. If you look closely...you can see that the Egyptian queen Nefertiti was the firs-"

"Hermione!" Ron gasped. "Did you just say tittie?!"

"Yah I did," she said. He held out the swear jar and she put in a knut.

"Ok, carry on." Ron returned to his work.

**Ficlet Fifty-Six: Ass?**

"Hermione," Ron said scooting next to her on the couch in the common room, "there's a Hogsmeade trip coming up this weekend. And I couldn't get anyone else to go....you wanna come with me?"

"Well as much as I enjoy being your back-up choice, I must ask you one question." She leaned over and got inches away from his face. "Is your head up your ass for the warmth?" She returned to her Ancient Runes essay.

"What a tease," Ron got up and ran to his room crying.

**Ficlet Fifty-Seven: Lindsay Again? Who Is She Anyhow?**

"Hey! Dude!" Ron yelled grabbing Harry's arm in the hallway. "I want you to meet someone. This is my friend Lindsay. I met her when I knocked her down in the hallway once."

"Hey Lindsay," Harry said, "it's nice to meet you."

"Hi, what's your name?" She asked.

"My name's Harry....but most people call me....uhhh...Harry."

"Nice to meet you Harry. You're hot. You're so hot. Run away with me!"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Go make me a sandwich bitch!" Ron said.

_**A/N:** I admire a man who drives clear across town to a distant shopping center where no one knows him, and rides all afternoon on the children's coin-operated "horsie."_


	20. Grey

_**A/N:** Hey yo! What the diddly-o?!?! I played with a ouija board. It was way fun. Yup yup. And Charles Adfin is the coolest dead 91 year old perv that I have ever had the pleasure of speaking with! You rock my sox, Charles! I loff you!!_

**Ficlet Fifty-Eight: Simba?**

Hermione had set up a VCR in the common room and all the kiddies of Gryffindor and Draco who always seemed to be there, had acquired an addiction to Disney movies. "Hermione!" Draco shouted. "How could you hide this greatness from me for so long?! We should watch Pocahontas daily!"

"That stupid movie?" she asked. "It's so historically inaccurate. Pocahontas acquired tuberculosis and had like no hair and coughed herself to death."

They all gasped. "And Anastasia....that was a pretty cutesy movie too," she added. "But in reality, she was shot in the back of the head....and so was the little boy."

"And Pooka?!?!" Ron whispered.

"Probably..." Hermione said.

"OH GAWD!" Draco screamed. "WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO SIMBA?!?!!" They all looked at him strangely.

**Ficlet Fifty-Nine: Quidditch Plays?**

"I've got it!" Harry said jumping at quidditch practice. They were brainstorming for new plays. "....no..." He sat back down.

"I've got it!" He said again jumping up. ".....no...." He bit his finger in thought.

"Back off, guys," Ron said gesturing them away. "Give him some room to think."

"Ron," Harry said patting him on the back, "if I can write haikus while Skinheads pelt me with soap then I can concentrate anywhere."

**Ficlet Sixty: OnStar?**

Harry and Ron had just finished using stupid Ouija board things in Divination and they went to tell Hermione all about it. "Ohmigod!" Harry said, "Oeaeuaueghremmmmumble af;aeihfhfhghhhaee! I asked it who you were gonna marry and it told me but I'm not gonna tell you cause it's gotta be a surprise...eae;ehamumble mumble iaheaeioeincoherentspeaking ameouamumble! And you're gonna try to make me your maid of honor even though I'm male cause your husband won't make me the best man!!"

"................what?........" she said looking at them with her mouth hanging open slightly.

";LAEIAERAFHAMUMBLE AJOEHREIFFFFFALREAMBLUALEMB INCOHERENTWORDS WLAMEOIFUMMMMM!" They shouted in unison.

"I'm so incredibly lost right now...." she said. "Please excuse me while I consult OnStar."

(_**A/N:** I love you Charles!!!! Not the 91 year old pervy one...but my buddy! my g! my ace in da hole!_)

_**A/N: **"Somebody told me that you had a boyfriend that looked like a girlfriend that I had in February of last year"_


	21. Coral

_**A/N:** Howdy ho there, all my little reviewer friends whom I love. I love thou more than I lovest ketchup. Which is a lot. I love it muchos. So I love you more than muchos. Which is a lot. You guys make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Just like chocolate. Well hot chocolate. Plain chocolate just makes you feel fuzzy....which feels odd without the warm..._

**Ficlet Sixty-One: Diamonds?**

"I was Lucy..." Neville said. "From Lucy in the sky with diamonds..." He looked pensive for a moment.

"...You were Lucy?" Ron asked looking him over skeptically. "But you're a guy..."

"It was a very confusing time for all of us...." Neville said.

**Ficlet Sixty-Two: Santa?**

"Hey, Hermione...." Harry spun her around. "I need to ask you somethin-HOLY FECK! COLIN! WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING TO BE HERMIONE?!?!"

"Don't hurt me!! She told me that if I didn't do this then she'd kill Santa," he replied shaking.

"Don't worry, buddy," Harry said patting him on the back, "there's no Santa."

"w-w-what?!"

"uhhh..shoe?" Harry ran away.

**Ficlet Sixty-Three: Time Travel?**

Ginny and Draco stole Snape's rolling chair and were pushing each other down the hallways.

"Whhhheeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!" Ginny screamed. "Push me faster!!!!! I wanna go back in time!!!!!!"

_**A/N: **Props to Father of the Pride for the awsome quotes. I'm bored. Run away with me?_


	22. Lime

_**A/N:** My mood ring is teal right now....does anybody know what that means? If so...tell me in a review._

**Ficlet Sixty-Four: Rain?**

"No no no no!" Blaise was shouting into the phone. "I wasn't laughing at you! I swear! no no don't hang up! Don't hang up!!!" He held it away from his face. He looked up at Draco. "I can't believe she broke up with me...." He said.

"Then don't believe it," Draco said, "Don't believe it and it will not be."

"What?"

"Go to her. Tell her she is a rainy day."

"A what?"

"Tell her she is a rainy day that waters the flowers of your soul!" Draco began pushing him to the door.

"I still have no idea what you're talking about," Blaise said turning around to look at him.

"That is fine. Go to her!" He slammed the door in his face. "hmmm...wonder where my cupcake is...."

**Ficlet Sixty-Five: Ears?**

Ron slumped into the great hall and flopped into the table beside Hermione and stared glumly at his plate.

"What's wrong Ron?" Ginny asked noticing his mood.

"Not having a good day?" Hermione asked as well.

"No..." he replied. "This morning I realized one of my ears is lower than the other. My whole life is a lie."

**Ficlet Sixty-Six: Rabbi?**

"Colin!" Lavender shouted to him down the table at lunch. "Can I see your Daily Prophet?" He passed it to her and she began flipping through it. "Hey you guys! Listen to this story!" The story read thus:

A trainee rabbi was strangled by 'tattooed rent boy type' and his body dismembered after a night drinking in a gay bar, a court heard today.

"What is the world coming to?" Seamus asked shaking his head and taking a prozac.

_(**A/N:** That's a real story...isn't that disturbing?)_

_**A/N:** You know what? I have come to the conclusion that although guys are really pretty and I like looking at them, they are stupid. Throw rocks at them. Unless you are a male reader of my ficlets. In that case, you are the greatest guy alive, and I love you cause you read my ficlets. And if I ever met you, I would kiss you for being so extremely awesome. And for my female readers, you get a hug, and a picture of Bernard...cause he's pretty._


	23. Salmon

_**A/N:** Shoutout to my homie G-nizzle, skillet, dawg, money slice, wo-man! Sarah gave me the ideas for these ficlets. Can she get a what what?! Ok...maybe not...well at least know that she is hilarious and the ficlets came from things she's said. Love ya!_

**Ficlet Sixty-Seven: Party?**

"The word of the day is 'Foinlaven'! Isn't it cool?!" Harry said excitedly.

"I don't think that's a word..." Hermione said.

"Of course it's a word," Harry said placidly, "the doctor on Animaniacs said it once."

"You know what's a fun word to say??" Ron asked. "Flamboyant! It's like a party in your mouth! Say it!"

"Flamboyant..." Hermione and Harry said together. They exchanged glances.

"I especially like the -oy part!' Ron said enthusiastically.

**Ficlet Sixty-Eight: Nuts?**

"Wow..." Ginny stormed into the common room. "That bitch will NOT quit calling me Carrot Top!! Do I do 1-800-CALL ATT commercials?! I don't think so!!"

"Well," Dean said, "you should just kick him in the nuts. Unless it's a girl. Then you should kick her in the boob. But if they're fake boobs, you should just kick her in the face."

**Ficlet Sixty-Nine: Mother?**

"Draco," Harry said shaking his head, "you can be so stupid sometimes."

"Nuh uh, Potter! You just crossed the line." He shoved Harry.

"Oh, hell no, bitch! You're just upset because your mother's so ugly, she makes Goyle look pretty!" Harry said slapping his chest. "Take that, bitch!"

"Hey, leave my mom outta this, man," Draco said, upset. "I love my mom...you can too for 12 bucks..."

_**A/N:** "Ewes not fat! Ewes just fluffy!"_


	24. Shiny

_**A/N:** What? You don't think "shiny" is a color? Well that doesn't matter. Buahahaha! And guess what! I decided that you guys can know my sn and IM me if you are bored or something. So my AIM sn is in my author page deal thingy. Yeah. Well, enjoy the ficlets!_

**Ficlet Seventy: Butt?**

Harry was examining his reflection in the mirror. "Ron..." he said, "do these robes make my butt look big?"

Ron looked up at his friend. He stared for a moment and Harry turned to look at him. "Noooo," Ron said, "no of course not."

Harry stared at him.

"I mean....I mean it looks small. It's not big..." Ron ran out of the dorm.

**Ficlet Seventy-One: Santa? Satan?**

Draco decided that he would dress up like Santa and surprise his "Mione" for Christmas. He dawned his red suit and began climbing up the side of the tower to Hermione's window. When he got to the window he saw her studying. Quietly he pushed the window open.

"HO HO HO!!!" He shouted. "I am Santa! Bearded wonder of the North Pole!"

Hermione jumped like three foot in the air and fell off of her bed. "Holy Fack! What the feck?! AHHHH! SANTA!!! SATAN!!!! STALKER!!!" She grabbed the nearest book and threw it at him. _Hogwarts: A History_ nailed Draco in the face and he fell backwards out of the window.

"Ooooowwwww!" he screamed as he fell. "The jolly fat man lives noooo moooooore!" He hit the ground.

"Ohmigod!" Hermione screamed. "Draco?! I am soooo sorry!!! Are you okay?!?!"

"Ow..." he replied. "I seem to have fallen out of the tower. I am still alive but I am very very badly injured. Perhaps you could toss me some bandaids or some anti-bacterial cream..."

Harry ran into the room at the sound of Hermione screaming. He saw her leaning out the window and went to look out as well. "Is that Santa?" he asked. "You know, I am shocked at the number of people who bring their children to total strangers in Santa suits and allow them to hold their young ones firmly on their pelvic region, offer them candy, and whisper to them 'Don't be afraid to tell me what you reeeeeeeaaaaaally want!' "

Hermione looked at him weird. "You're so odd..." she said.

**Ficlet Seventy-Two: Coloring?**

"Hey," Ron said to Ginny, "Can you lend me a quill?"

"Ron! What did I say, bitch?! Don't talk to me while I'm coloring pictures, dammit! Go stick your tongue of a frozen pole!" She threw a marker at his head.

Ron cried.

_**A/N: **Hope you liked them! Review and let me know! I love you all! Kisses and Hugs! Muah!_


	25. Dayglo Purple

_**A/N: **I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...deedily dee...there they are a standing in a row...bum bum bum....big ones, small ones, some as big as your head..._

**Ficlet Seventy-Three: The Author Even Has No Words To Describe This One???**

"What a dark and seemingly gloomy day it is outside," Ron said glancing out the window. "The weather....it's a beautiful thing....tis like the moon....inconstant....ever changing....just like my mood...."

"What's wrong, Ron?" Hermione asked noticing his odd way of speaking.

"What's wrong with the world today? When a boy can't even walk his pet armadillo down the street without the chance of being raped or convinced to buy some cheap crap from a street vendor?....the answer is simple...pancaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!"

"Ron..." Hermione said moving closer to him cautiously. "What are you talking about?"

"I shall forever live off of the delectable cakes of the pan!" Ron said jumping out of his seat.

"My squishy center weeps," Hermione replied.

"If my toes were made of broccoli I would rule the world!"

**Ficlet Seventy-Four: Outfit?**

Harry was spending his summer at the burrow. Ron and he were playing a game of wizard's chess when an owl dove into the room and slammed into the side of Harry's head.

"Ow! Muthaf!" Harry rubbed his head while Ron removed the note from the owls leg and began reading it.

"Oh great merciful crap-shit!!!" Ron shouted. "Hermione is coming for a visit!! She'll be here in an hour!! Come, Harry! I must pick out an outfit!"

Harry stared at Ron blankly.

"I want my outfit to say 'look but don't touch'," Ron continued, "but also 'touch when I'm not looking'....yes!"

Harry stared at Ron blankly.

**Ficlet Seventy-Five: Swamp Monster?**

Fred and George enlisted the help of Seamus on their latest prank. They had set up extendable ears in Snape's chambers and were hiding in the hallway, spying.

"So..." Seamus said, "how long we gonna stay out here?"

"Shhh!" Fred hissed slapping a hand on his mouth.

"Yes," George added in a whisper. "Stay quiet or the scary swamp monster will come make you ugly and everyone will hate you."

"I'll use my inside voice then," Seamus whispered.

_**A/N:** I'm watching that show "Lost" on ABC....they shot a polar bear....what the feck is a polar bear doing on a tropical island?? hahaha_


	26. Dayglo Pink

_**A/N:** Oh I...I just died in your arms tonight! Must have been something you said!_

**Ficlet Seventy-Six: Waffle Iron?**

It was Christmas and the kids were all opening presents.

"Here, Fred," George said handing a package to his brother. "I hope you like it." He smiled widely as Fred ripped off the paper.

"Wow..." Fred said examining the gift. "A waffle iron.....thanks...George."

"Do you love it?"

"Yes...I just never understood these things," Fred replied. "I mean...why on earth would you want to iron a waffle? Wouldn't that just flatten out all of the little squares? No, I believe waffles should be dry cleaned. Pancakes, of course, should always be ironed."

**Ficlet Seventy-Seven: Corn?**

Ron was playing with his food at dinner.

"Ron, don't play with your food," Hermione chastised. "It's not civilized."

"You know," Ron said, poking his corn, "if you take the corn off the cob, not only do you have corn-off-the-cob, you also have cobs-out-from-inside-the-corn."

"You," Hermione added, "my friend, are a moron."

**Ficlet Seventy-Eight: Kung Fu?**

Hermione and Ron were having a "secret" discussion in the corner which involved them staring deeply into each other's eyes and making everyone want to vomit.

"Ronald Weasley," Hermione said, "you are ten pounds of sexy in a five pound sack!"

They were sitting there when Harry came skidding into the room while attempting to do some kung fu move. This resulted in Harry kicking Ron in the face.

"Ow!" Ron said rubbing his face. "You kicked me, you A-hole!"

"My kung fu is very strong!" Harry said as he karate chopped the air around him.

_**A/N:** Sorry I didn't update for a while...school bites ass. So yeah. Here ya go. Hope they live up to your standards. Some of the quotes are from a very funny book known as "Brain Droppings" by George Carlin. Everyone should read it._


	27. Navy

_**A/N:** Hey there....sorry I haven't updated in a while.  School is crap.  and I've been hanging with my main g's a lot.  But here you go.  Oh yeah! I had to change the rating too...cause of language.  I hope it's not an inconvenience.  I prolly didn't even need to change the rating.  But I do say the "f word" a lot.  So sorry for that.  But anyhoo....on with the show!_

**Ficlet Seventy-Nine: Newspaper?**

Fred and George decided that they were going to start a school newspaper. George went out to write all the articles and Fred handled all the letters to the editor and "Ask Fred" entries. He picked up one letter in particular and began to read it. It read:

_Dear Fred,_

_My friend and I like the same guy. I really like him and I don't want to give up on that. But I don't want to lose my friend over this. Please help me._

_Confused_

Fred picked up his quill and began writing his response:

_Dear Confused,_

_I had no idea that you people felt that way about me. Had I known I would have been there long ago. But not to worry milady, there is enough Fred for everyone. Be still my loves! Wait for me! I am coming!_

_Love,_

_Fred_

_xoxoxoxox_

**Ficlet Eighty: Wash?**

Harry and Ron were lying on the common room floor staring at the ceiling.

"I'm bored," Harry said.

"Yeah," Ron replied. "Me too."

"I'm getting to the point where I hate waking up in the mornings. I wake up and just wish it was tomorrow."

"Tomorrow is a lot like today...except it isn't here yet," Ron stated.

"This is true..."

"Hey Harry?" Ron asked.

"Yeah Ron?"

"Do you ever get discouraged when you wake up each morning and realize you have to wash again?"

Harry rolled over to face his friend. "You're a dumbshit...do you realize this?"

"Yes," Ron said sadly. He ate a parfait.

**Ficlet Eighty-One: 4 out of 5 Doctors?**

Seamus had had some caffeine and was quite hyper. "Ohmigod, Hermione, you'll never believe what just happened. I was like walking down the hall, right? And there was this chick and she looked like a dude and I was like 'Whoa!' right? And it was scary as crap and ohmigod!"

"Do you ever stop talking?" Hermione asked not looking up from her textbook. Seamus ignored her and continued babbling. She slammed her textbook shut and looked up at him.

"Ohmigod, Seamus...guess what!"

"What?" he asked enthusiastically, twitching slightly from the caffeine. He flopped down on the floor in front of her.

"4 out of 5 doctors recommend that you shut the fuck up, Seamus." She grabbed her books and trotted off to the dormitories before he had time to process what she just said.

_**A/N:** Yeah....it's really boring around here.  Jesus.  Some people need to get online so I can talk to them and they can say something funny so I can actually update sometimes.  Maybe if I'm lucky I can update in like a week.  So look forward to it....but don't get your hopes up.  Luv ya soooo much!_


	28. Lavender

_**A/N:** If there's a bustle in your hedgerow don't be alarmed now...it's just a spring clean for the may queen._

**Ficlet Eighty-Two: Your Face?**

Neville looked over at Dean across the common room. "Dean..what time is it?"

"Time for you to get a watch," Dean replied.

"Why are you so mean?" Neville's lip quivered.

"So is your face," Dean stated simply.

"....that doesn't work in this situation..."

"Are you mental? 'So is your face' always works," Dean gathered up his stuff and walked slowly across the room. He quickly leaned over and smacked Neville before running off to the dormitories. Neville cried.

**Ficlet Eighty-Three: The Cheese is Gone?**

"Man," Ron stated, "I so want some cheese."

"I had some cheese earlier!" Harry said excitedly. Then his tone changed. "But it's gone now..." Harry appeared sad and forlorn.

"No worries, my friend," Ron patted Harry on the back. "Your cheese will return to you. Just as sure as the sun will rise."

Harry looked up at his tall lanky friend with great big tears in his eyes. He gave a great sniff and rubbed his nose with his sleeve. "Thanks, dude," Harry coughed regaining his composure. "Yeah." He playfully punched Ron in the arm.

".....ow"

**Ficlet Eighty-Four: Random Extremely Long Ficlet?**

It was a dark and stormy Halloween night. All the kiddies of Gryffindor along with Draco (who broke in, receiving the password after relentlessly pummeling it out of Neville) sat listening to Sirius and Remus tell scary stories...

"Have you kids ever heard the stories about the candy factory in the far outskirts of Hogsmeade?" Sirius asked, his face eerily lit by the flames. The children all shook their heads and Fred found a can of Beanie Weenies and levitated it into the flames to heat.

"Well..." he started rubbing his hands together. "It all started about 30 years ago. The candy factory used to be open for all to enter. But people tried to steal his secret recipes for his candies. He closed the gates and the factory went dormant. Nothing happened for years. Then suddenly, he started putting out Chocolate Frogs again. The lights in the factory came on again. But the gates were never opened...."

Suddenly Filch came through the common room with a push cart. "Up the airy mountain," he said. "Down the rushing glen. We dare not go a hunting, for fear of little men. You see, nobody ever goes in, and nobody ever comes out!" Filch's cart creaked down the hallway.

"Well...." Remus replied as he sat randomly braiding Sirius's hair. "That was random."

"Yes....quite..." Sirius replied. Suddenly, Fred's can of beanie weenies exploded into a brilliant flying massacre of bean and pork. Everyone jumped; Harry, however, couldn't seem to suppress his fears and screamed like a girl as particles of wiener splattered across his face.

"Oh....ma bad," Fred said wiping the beanie weenies off of his face.

After the frightening mood of the story was broken, the group cleaned the last morsels of pig from their face and went to sleep, dreaming of the smell of pork and of the Chocolate Factory along with what mysteries lay behind its large iron gates. While everyone dreamed of the Chocolate Factory, Neville tossed and turned with nightmares of Draco pummeling him and lots of beans on him.

The next morning, Ron noticed Neville's condition. "Hey Neville...what happened? Didn't sleep well?"

"Not really...no," Neville replied. "I had these dreams....Draco...pummeling. Beans.....flying. And then it felt like someone shoved a bun cake ring down over my head. And then it all went up in flames and all the raisins turned into demons. And I put my hands up and I yelled 'DEMONIC RAISINS, I REBUKE YOU!!!!!'" Neville breathed heavily for a moment.

"Wow...." Ron said. "That's special."

That day, Snape monotonously droned in class, pouring substances mindlessly into a giant black cauldron which cast a hot smoggy steam through the class, turning it into a sleep-worthy sauna. Even Hermione was fighting the urge to pass out onto the table...when suddenly a wormy, acne-ridden student came pouncing through the door.

"Woody Weinenheimer's opening the factory!!" The student squealed--on normal circumstances, had it been another student, Snape would have been furious...but being that the boy was a Slytherin, however, he remained intrigued.

"What's going on?" Snape asked as he stroked his newly acquired goatee. Everyone in the class snapped to attention except for Ron, who was busy making a formidably sized drool pool on the black desktop.

"Woody Weinenheimer! He's opening his Chocolate Factory for kids who find his picture in a Chocolate Frog! Whoever buys them gets in and a life time supply of chocolate!"

"Class dismissed!" Snape shouted as he grabbed his cloak and made his way out the door. Ron sat up at this.

"Did he just say......what I think he said?" He asked.

"Yes...." Harry replied. He eyed Ron skeptically. Ron jumped about 5 feet in the air.

"Whoo hooo!!!" He ran out of the room. Harry and Hermione ran after him down the hall to the one eyed witch passageway to make their way to Hogsmeade. They came up in the basement of the candy store and ran upstairs to the counter. They were disappointed to see the shop already filled with children. They were finally second in line with large armfuls of chocolate frogs. Suddenly an announcement came over an intercom somewhere in the ceiling.

"Attention Honeyduke's shoppers! It has just been revealed to me that the last winning chocolate frog was located less than five minutes ago in Diagon Alley. Please, however, continue buying candy and have a super fantastic day!" The voice buzzed and disappeared. Hermione, who was being a lame ass and was only going to buy one chocolate frog anyhow, flung the candy to the floor in fury.

Ron hit the floor and skid over to where the frog hit. He picked it up and cradled it to himself. "Hermione...how...how could you?" He looked up at her with watery eyes. "How could you hurt an innocent chocolate frog like that? Chocolate frogs are friends not food." He hugged it closer to himself. Then changed his opinion and ate the frog. Then he cried for the loss of his chocolate frog friend.

Hermione, feeling slightly bad for her obviously retarded friend, handed him a Sickle. "Here ya go, Ron. A penance for the loss of your frog."

"Poo on a stick," Ron said looking at all of the chocolate frogs still scattered about the floor. "Oh well! I've got a Sickle, I've got a Sickle, I've got a Sickle, hey hey hey hey!" he sang while doing a funky little jig. Ron continued to dance out the door and all around outside when his eyes locked on the epitome of all that is heavenly and good across the street in front of Zonko's Joke Shop.

"A MECHANICAL PONY!!!" he screeched with delight upon spotting this. He started running towards it when Hermione grabbed him by the back of his robes.

"No, Ron! Don't do it! Don't give into it's powers!!"

"Hermione," he said turning and removing her hand from his robe. He put his hands on his hips and tried to look at her in a serious way. "I know what I'm doing. And I know that you are like secretly in love with me. Heck! I'm so sexy, I'm almost in love with myself. But it never would have worked between us darling." He turned from her. "I'm sorry." He made his way across the busy street to the mechanical pony. Hermione just stood there and shook her head. Ron made his way through the crowd of people. Time seemed to stand still as he walked over to the pony. A lone light shone down upon it and it looked beautiful and angelic and it's greatness. Once he made it over to the pony, he ran his hand along the saddle and examined the detail in the painting on it. Then he looked up.

"Hey, buddy," he said to the janitor on the ladder with the light. "Could you not shine that on the pony anymore? It's kind of annoying me."

"Oh, sure thing, pal. Nox," the janitor said waving his wand to off his light and descending his ladder. Ron looked once again at the pony. Now not engulfed in it's lone beam of light, but nonetheless beautiful and magnificent. He sat on the pony and held his Sickle up in the air.

"To victory!" he yelled as he stuck the Sickle into the slot. The pony began to very unrealistically move up and down. "Wheeeeee!" he squealed in delight. Harry and Hermione watched him, completely disturbed from the outside of Honeyduke's.

"I don't know him," Hermione said.

"Know who?" Harry smiled at her. They laughed and made their way over to Ron and the pony. Slowly but surely Ron's pony ride came to an end. He looked up at his two friends with big teary eyes.

"Gawd, I love this pony," he said sniffing and rubbing his eye.

"I'm sorry, Ron. There will be other rides. Next time you earn a Sickle we will bring you back and you can ride it again. Okay? Are you ready to go?" Hermione asked patting him on the head. He looked up at them with his big watery eyes. He gave a great sniff and rubbed his nose before nodding and rising from the pony's saddle. Ron slowly trudged back to Hogwarts with his hands shoved in his robe pockets. None of them said much as they made the trek back to the common room.

When they finally reached it, they all flopped down on couches and Ron fell over and rest his head in Hermione's lap. She messed with his hair. The twins sat in the corner talking quietly. Planning something obviously. But the silence was too much for Fred to handle.

"Hey you guys!" he said as he developed a scheme. "Let's wander aimlessly about in the forbidden forest for lack of better amusement!" Nobody else had any ideas so they went and grabbed cloaks and lanterns and set off across the grounds to the dark, creepy woods.

As they walked across the grounds, George saw a moose in the distance.

"Hey look guys, there's a moose!" he said, and everyone stopped to stare in wonder and amazement.

Then another moose joined the first.

"Now there's another," he said, "Is the plural of moose, meese or mooses? Since the plural of goose is geese, would the plural of moose be meese? And more importantly, why do my underpants feel oddly wet and squishy?"

"Perhaps," Fred said, attempting to answer his brother's queries, "your underwear are oddly wet and squishy because you are sitting in my pudding...."

George turned and looked. He inspected his sitting arrangements. "Yes," he said stroking his chin, "this would appear to be a large cup of pudding....but the question is, 'how did I get here?' and more importantly, 'who the hell are you people?!?!'," he asked, pointing at two eskimos that had joined the group.

"Oh," one of the eskimos replied with a thick Canadian accent, "we're just on our way to go see some hockey....but did you happen to see two meese come this way?"

"See!!!" George said hopping out of the pudding, "I TOLD YOU IT WAS MEESE!!!" The eskimos shrugged and walked off.

_**A/N:** Sorry it took me so long to update, I really couldn't think of anything to write at all. So I hope this lives up to it's predecessors. Much love to you all. And Happy Chrismahaunakwanzaka to you all!_


	29. Sepia

**A/N:** _Hey guys it's me again! Sorry for the delays with the ficlets...lack of inspiration, school, college research, and all other kinds of stress have been distracting me. But I have finally thought of a few semi-funny ficlets for you all to read and review on. And a special note to a reviewer known as HeyLookItsATaxi: YOU RECOGNIZED SNL: BEST OF MIKE MYERS THEREFORE YOU ARE FRIGGIN SWEET! AND YOU GET A CYBER HUG! ::HUG:: ::loves mike myers:: .....Now on to the ficlets!_

**Ficlet Eighty Five: Extreme?**

Harry whipped out his wand and changed a rock into some doritos.

"DUDE!" Ron shouted. "That was so extreme!" He picked up the bag of chips. "Looooook!! Extreme cheese!! Yeeesss!!" He crammed the chips in his mouth.

"On a scale of one to ten with one being not extreme and ten being extremely extreme I would give that a 9.5!!!" Harry and Ron high fived.

Hermione walked over and took Ron's chips. "Bitch! What did I tell you about junk food?! You're gonna weigh like 800 pounds one day!" She stormed off up the dorm stairs.

"Dude," Harry said, "that was so not extreme..."

Ron cried.

_(**A/N:** Makes no sense does it? Puahaha Yay for Harold and Kumar go to White Castle!)_

**Ficlet Eighty Six: Pimpin?**

Fred and George were sitting on the common room couch pimped out with all sorts of bling. Fred turned to look at his brother.

"Hey George....what that you be eatin?"

"It's a banana fool!" George replied with his fresh pimp self.

"Hmmm....gimme some." Fred tried to take George's banana.

George slapped Fred. "What you thinkin, hood rat?! No!"

And George continued smackin up bitches while pimp fresh superfly Fred spent the rest of his days sucking sand out of socks.

_(**A/N:** I don't even know what that last line means...if you know...tell me in your review...I heard it somewhere....sucking sand out of socks ::ponders::)_

**Ficlet Eighty Seven: College?**

"So Ron," Hermione asked sitting beside him on the couch. "Have you put any more thought into which college you'd like to go to after Hogwarts?"

"No...I can't afford it so why even think about college?" Ron replied.

"Your mom goes to college," Harry said without looking up from his book. Hermione's lip quivered and she ran off crying leaving Ron very confused. Ron ate a parfait.

**A/N:** _You've seen a ship with black sails, that's crewed by the damned, and captained by a man so evil that hell itself...spat him back out?_


	30. Grape

**A/N:** _So…we meet again. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of the elusive Majik Beaver. But alas! You were wrong! Foiled again! Bahaha and you now know you will never truly escape. But until you finally accept the fact, read this and review on it. Or face the consequences._

**Ficlet Eighty Eight: Sheep Bladder?**

Harry sat coughing at the smoke billowing out from his cauldron. He peered up through the gloom at a fuming Snape glaring down at him. Slowly, a huge, impish grin spread across his soot covered face.

"Potter," Snape said as he massaged the bridge of his nose. "Do you not recall how I specifically asked you…no…pleaded with you not to convey your stupidity throughout the classroom." With a wave of his arm, he gestured to the students coughing and gagging in the smoke. "Now we are suffocated by it."

Snape stalked over to Neville who was sitting perfectly still and trying not to be noticed. Snape clapped a hand to Neville's shoulder causing the poor boy to promptly pass out. "Even Longbottom didn't screw up. What could you have possibly been trying to pull?"

Harry held up his unsliced sheep bladder in silent response.

"POTTER! THAT IS THE MAIN INGREDIENT, YOU IGNORANT FOOL!"

"But sir," Harry said, "behold it's magnificence! It is slick. It is cool. Slimy, lovely, pink, delightful…" He looked up at Snape with enormous eyes. "SHEEP BLADDER!"

Snape drew his lips tightly together in a grimace and pointed at the closet. Harry, with sad air and his head held down, made his way to the closet and locked himself inside.

"Ron, your eyebrows are on fire," Hermione said as she fanned away the smoke.

"I love grapes." Ron smiled.

Snape bitch slapped him.

**Ficlet Eighty Nine: Geiko?**

Ron ran down the halls, pummeling first years, knocking poor Flitwick down a flight of stairs, and leaving a trail of misery and chaos as he went. He screamed at the Fat Lady and with a squeak, she flung open the portrait.

He skid to a stop in front of Harry's chair in the common room.

"Harry," he panted. Harry glanced up over his glasses at his winded friend. "I have really important news."

"Is that so?" Harry asked without looking up again.

"Yeah…I just saved a load of money on my car insurance by switching to Geiko." With a huge smile, he clapped Harry on the shoulder, knocking his glasses askew.

"You know, Ron…I hate you lots sometimes." Harry straightened his glasses and gave Ron a look of utter distaste.

"I know, Buddy. And that's why I love grapes."

**Ficlet Ninety: WTF?**

Draco sat uncomfortably rubbing Blaise's back as the boy hunched over sobbing.

"Wow, Blaise…" Draco said, glancing about for an exit. "I had no idea you had such a rough childhood. Having to sell yourself to buy your 'Sing Along With Barbie' tapes when your parents refused to pay for them."

"Yeah," Blaise mumbled. He blew his nose on his tie. With glistening eyes and a great sniff, he continued with his story. "The man pulled up to the curb and told me to get out. He stuffed a five in my hand and gave me a shove. But I said 'Bitch…not for my services. Make it ten.' And when he forked over the other five I got out."

Just then, they heard a knock on the door and Ron walked in.

"I love grapes!" He announced with a grin. Then Elmer Fudd shot him and drug his lifeless body down the hall.

"Dude," Malfoy said, gaping at the open door and the trail of blood. "Wtf?"

**A/N:** _I love grapes. Now review._


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